This post isn't really about Darwin. Or teaching. But I wanted to post it anyway, because there's an aspect of my life with which I struggle greatly. It's something that I've lived with for as long as I can remember. In some ways it's changed for the better and in some ways it's changed for the worse. Last night I found myself in tears on the phone to my parents because I just didn't know what to do. My parents have known exactly how much I have been effected over the last 25 years and have walked by my side when things have been tough.
I don't mean for this to be self-indulgent, exaggerating or to encourage pity. I just know that it's something that makes people feel uncomfortable and something which is not spoken about as much as it should. It's mental health.*
On the off-chance you have no idea, I have a phobia of vomiting. So I'm scared of it? Yes.
But noone likes vomiting, I have heard a million times.
Oh, when I see other people spew, it makes me spew too. Yep, heard that more than a few times too.
It's not like that for me. At all.
Example: yesterday. My mentor teacher at my placement school was called to go and pick up her daughter from preschool because she had a fever. The girl had been coughing and having stomach cramps for about a week and there had been no vomiting, so we all assumed it had just flared up again. I had to spend about an hour with her in the classroom after school while my mentor finished up some work. I had to practice reading, so I read The Very Hungry Caterpillar to her. She was close to me, sitting right beside me.
Upon returning home last night, I had a call from my mentor, telling me that she wouldn't be at school today because her daughter started vomiting when they got home last night. Vomiting. OK. So her husband had been ill last weekend and now the daughter was sick AND I JUST SPENT AN HOUR IN THE CLASSROOM WITH HER SITTING BESIDE ME.
I called my parents because I didn't know who else to call. Why did I call them? Because they understand that for the next week it's the only thing I'm going to be thinking about. What if I get sick? What am I going to do? I realise it's something that I just have to deal with if and when it happens, but it goes beyond just being scared. It is all-consuming.
When I wake up in the morning, I wonder if today is the day I will be sick.
When my tummy grumbles, I analyse whether it's a hungry, digestive or illness grumble.
When I eat, I scrutinise my food choice and its potential for making me ill.
When I'm in a bathroom looking at a toilet, I wonder when I'll have to be sick in it.
When I eat, I chew everything really small incase poor digestion prompts me to vomit.
I know it's crazy and what's even more crozy is that anxiety often leads to nausea which compounds the anxiety. Viscious cycle. In the past, when I have fallen ill, I have avoided food like the plague for fear of it making me vomit again. Again, lack of food can increase the nausea. Yep, viscious cycle.
Over the years, I've had varying degrees of obsessive compulsive disorder that's now mainly activated by higher levels of anxiety. No, I'm not a hand-washer, but I still do things that relieve anxiety associated with falling ill. Unfortunately, the array of tools I've been equipped with to deal with this really only extends to OCD and not the root of the problem, fear of vomiting. Systematic desensitisation is effective but difficult to implement when my fear is so detailed. I find that the positive thinking side of things works...when I'm not feeling threatened by illness. But in situations like last night and today, where I am threatened, I find it more difficult to get a grasp on reality.
When I say that in some ways it has got better, I mean that I never used to be able to say the word 'vomit' and because quite distressed during conversations when others were discussing it. Now I'm comfortable talking about it, so that's a positive. Similarly, my anxiety is now centred more on contagious vomiting of others and my own vomiting, rather than all insidences. For example, I could sit beside a drunk who had just vomited, and spend the next day hanging out although will avoid someone with gastro for a while.
I guess the reason I consider it worse now is that I am 25 years old and a complete mess about getting sick.While I'm studying to be a teacher, everyday I am petrified of a child throwing up on me. I avoid being within breathing distance of children who spent the previous day at home and I wash my hands after each class (sure, this is probably the healthy thing to do, but a lot of people don't feel compelled to do it). It's something that has, to date, prevented me from embarking on some great journeys. I would love to travel India and various countries within Africa. But what if I get sick? One night before I travelled to Vietnam, I remember lying in the middle of my loungeroom floor and crying inconsolably to my mother, questioning whether I should take the opportunity in Vietnam because I was too scared of being sick. How pathetic is that?
Perhaps the worst part of the situation (aside from actually falling ill) is that I know how irrational my thoughts are. I know that vomiting is a part of life and I know that no matter which way I fold my clothes or how close I stand to a student, that I will fall ill anyway. It's a pretty big dent to self-confidence as well, being 25 and feeling out of control of these thoughts and emotions. Yes, when I'm not feeling threatened by illness I can keep control of things but something takes over in the face of illness. I am, to a large extent, out of control. This is also because, even though I try and gain control, I fear that 'control' is substituted with 'complacency' and then I'll get sick for being complacent about my anxiety. Twisted logic? Completely.
Welcome to my world.
There have been occasions where I'm upset or want to avoid certain situations. I have seen people look at me sideways or avoided me because they don't know how to deal with me being all emotional. I'm OK with that and I don't want others to feel uncomfortable. I don't want to be that person.
Most days can pass without anything seriously impeding my ability to effectively function in society.
But this is what they mean when they say that anxiety is crippling.
Peace, love and good health, y'all.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Friday, May 25, 2012
Ramblings from a Fried Brain
I can't believe how quickly time passes, and yet it feels like there's no time at all.
Realising I have now been in Darwin for three months, it's nice to feel more comfortable with my surrounds. Following my posts, a couple of people have mentioned that they don't think I am enjoying Darwin. Sure, I have found it challenging and it is certainly demanding trying to balance teaching rounds, academic work and some kind of social life, but I am finally feeling as though I'm on the right path.
But firstly, here's a couple of photos that sum up what's been going on:
I have just finished my sixth week of professional experience and am essentially running the class, with minimal mentor support. It's phenomenally difficult and I felt like a complete failure of the first few days, which was compounded by the fact that this is my first real experience with young people. Unfortunately, the seven CDU students placed at the same school as me has now dropped to four; some admirable reasons and some were a bit interesting. Nevertheless, this gave me a great opportunity to reflect on my own practices and place as a teacher. Upon moving to Darwin, I thought I was ready but now I feel it in my heart too. I taught my students subtraction last week and during some free time this week, two of my students took out the small whiteboards and began writing their own subtraction number sentences. Not only did they 'get it' but they were interested in it. 'Miss White, I wrote 0-0=0!' was followed by a big laugh. But he was proud and I was proud of him.
This confidence that I'll get there in the end was then boosted by a parent who, after lending me the Rod Stewart Storyteller, asked me how long I'd be with the class. 'Two more weeks this term and then all of next term'. She said 'Oh good. It really feels like you're a part of this class now.' Word actually can't describe how that made me feel, as dealing with parents has been a huge chellenge for me. I really just lack the ocnfidence and put it down to the fact that I don't have children or much experience around them so how am I in a position to discuss their child's behaviour? Well, apparently I just am now! Having said that, I talk to her about her daughter who is actually quite bright but often just doesn't work. This week she did all of her work though and I selected her to receive an award at assembly (though she ended up being too shy to go onto the stage a receive it though...ah well).
While it's draining and I spend a great deal of time waiting to fall ill with the myriad of bugs going around the school, I finally feel as though I could do this teaching thing. I feel like a teacher. (Yes, I need to get over the vomiting thing.) I look forward to having a class of my own, gathering resources and finding he best way to get through to my students. I can't wait to inspire them with random pieces of knowledge and less random skills that will help them become resilient beings.
I also feel utterly gutted when lesson doesn't go to plan, but my mentor is phenomenal at constructive criticism (OK, sometimes a bit more positive would be nice, but I did get a smiley face on my feedback this week, so it must be alright). So, not only do I know that I have a lot to learn, but I know exactly what I need to work on. It's really now just a matter of translating knowing into doing. Mmm, the hard part.
What's even more exciting, amidst a barrage of negativity surrounding professional experience (there are some exceptions!) I am beaming with joy, sitting in the staffroom and listening to the other teachers talk about their experiences and provide insights, often which come back to a love of teaching and value in education. They're not old and jaded; they're mostly caring mothers (there's one male teacher) who understand the importance of primary education for the wellbeing of a child. Awesome. One example of this came during a staff meeting as we ere discussing the recent release of the Curriculum to Classroom (C2C) document. Basically, the QLD Government decided it would be fantastic if they mandated exactly what would be taught and when. The NT somehow is involved in this, meaning that from next term, we are obliged to teach the specified units in the specified order and within a specified timeframe. One of the Year One teachers piped up, noting that the education sector is coming more and more under the control of paper-pushers who want to rush to implement everything, '...first the Australian Curriculum and now this. With all of this pressure, the end result is a negative impact for the students, and they're the ones who should be benefitting.' So true; this is about the students.
I find additionally ironic is that the Austrlalian Curriculu places such huge emphasis on educating active participants in civic life. Students will be well-rounded individuals, equipped with the tools they need to negotiate challenges in their life and implement strategies to achieve their dreams and aspirations. I am beginning to feel that C2C is anything but empowering. And even if it appears to reduce the amount of programming work required of teachers, does it cater to the unique features of each classroom? Does it follow a teacher's concept of a logical sequence? To what degree does it really allow flexibility? Hmm.
But just as my colleague said, it's about the students.
They are the light at the end of the tunnel. It is their future that shines bright.
That must be the focus.
Realising I have now been in Darwin for three months, it's nice to feel more comfortable with my surrounds. Following my posts, a couple of people have mentioned that they don't think I am enjoying Darwin. Sure, I have found it challenging and it is certainly demanding trying to balance teaching rounds, academic work and some kind of social life, but I am finally feeling as though I'm on the right path.
But firstly, here's a couple of photos that sum up what's been going on:
Midge bites - this is a bit of an old photo now but these bites were just two of a couple of doozies!
Sunset at the Ski Club, having a chill out with fellow preservice teachers!
My hero. He can't send an SMS but he can say 'Hi' on Skype - legend. My Dad.
AFL - Western Bulldogs vs Goldcoast Suns
Oh, now it's ant bites. Gross feet, I know, but seriously, avoid the ant bites.
The gorgeous Melissa on her Birthday at SKYCITY.
Serenity.
I have just finished my sixth week of professional experience and am essentially running the class, with minimal mentor support. It's phenomenally difficult and I felt like a complete failure of the first few days, which was compounded by the fact that this is my first real experience with young people. Unfortunately, the seven CDU students placed at the same school as me has now dropped to four; some admirable reasons and some were a bit interesting. Nevertheless, this gave me a great opportunity to reflect on my own practices and place as a teacher. Upon moving to Darwin, I thought I was ready but now I feel it in my heart too. I taught my students subtraction last week and during some free time this week, two of my students took out the small whiteboards and began writing their own subtraction number sentences. Not only did they 'get it' but they were interested in it. 'Miss White, I wrote 0-0=0!' was followed by a big laugh. But he was proud and I was proud of him.
This confidence that I'll get there in the end was then boosted by a parent who, after lending me the Rod Stewart Storyteller, asked me how long I'd be with the class. 'Two more weeks this term and then all of next term'. She said 'Oh good. It really feels like you're a part of this class now.' Word actually can't describe how that made me feel, as dealing with parents has been a huge chellenge for me. I really just lack the ocnfidence and put it down to the fact that I don't have children or much experience around them so how am I in a position to discuss their child's behaviour? Well, apparently I just am now! Having said that, I talk to her about her daughter who is actually quite bright but often just doesn't work. This week she did all of her work though and I selected her to receive an award at assembly (though she ended up being too shy to go onto the stage a receive it though...ah well).
While it's draining and I spend a great deal of time waiting to fall ill with the myriad of bugs going around the school, I finally feel as though I could do this teaching thing. I feel like a teacher. (Yes, I need to get over the vomiting thing.) I look forward to having a class of my own, gathering resources and finding he best way to get through to my students. I can't wait to inspire them with random pieces of knowledge and less random skills that will help them become resilient beings.
I also feel utterly gutted when lesson doesn't go to plan, but my mentor is phenomenal at constructive criticism (OK, sometimes a bit more positive would be nice, but I did get a smiley face on my feedback this week, so it must be alright). So, not only do I know that I have a lot to learn, but I know exactly what I need to work on. It's really now just a matter of translating knowing into doing. Mmm, the hard part.
What's even more exciting, amidst a barrage of negativity surrounding professional experience (there are some exceptions!) I am beaming with joy, sitting in the staffroom and listening to the other teachers talk about their experiences and provide insights, often which come back to a love of teaching and value in education. They're not old and jaded; they're mostly caring mothers (there's one male teacher) who understand the importance of primary education for the wellbeing of a child. Awesome. One example of this came during a staff meeting as we ere discussing the recent release of the Curriculum to Classroom (C2C) document. Basically, the QLD Government decided it would be fantastic if they mandated exactly what would be taught and when. The NT somehow is involved in this, meaning that from next term, we are obliged to teach the specified units in the specified order and within a specified timeframe. One of the Year One teachers piped up, noting that the education sector is coming more and more under the control of paper-pushers who want to rush to implement everything, '...first the Australian Curriculum and now this. With all of this pressure, the end result is a negative impact for the students, and they're the ones who should be benefitting.' So true; this is about the students.
I find additionally ironic is that the Austrlalian Curriculu places such huge emphasis on educating active participants in civic life. Students will be well-rounded individuals, equipped with the tools they need to negotiate challenges in their life and implement strategies to achieve their dreams and aspirations. I am beginning to feel that C2C is anything but empowering. And even if it appears to reduce the amount of programming work required of teachers, does it cater to the unique features of each classroom? Does it follow a teacher's concept of a logical sequence? To what degree does it really allow flexibility? Hmm.
But just as my colleague said, it's about the students.
They are the light at the end of the tunnel. It is their future that shines bright.
That must be the focus.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Infiltrate
I don't like The System. I often joke about going to live on a commune. Yes, this is met with laughs as though it is the most absurd thing one could ever consider. Honestly, I am quite genuinely torn.
This whole situation first came to my attention during a class of my Master of International Development, early in 2010. A small class of less than 15 students, once wide-eyed, had all of their good intentions and ideas problematised and left them all wondering how on Earth they would be able to achieve all of their hopes and dreams, making this world a better place. So one student asked, 'HOW?' to which Professor Alberto Gomes simply smiled and replied, 'Infiltrate.' At the time, this lightened the mood, but was a lingering theme among the class and was a provocative thought when considering how to make change happen.
So, to work outside or within The System, that is the question. I always felt as though working within The System would be the manifestation of me selling out, which was quite evident when I was lined up for the corporate Graduate Program, realising late in the recruitment process that the corporate world may actually be the death of me. Somehow, with a bit of experience in the industry and a positive attitude (perhaps not so much integry?), I managed to convince quite a few people that I actually wanted to build a career in the corporate world of insurance. Yeeeee....no.
But through my parents' guidance and education, integrity and empathy have been placed at the forefront of my life. With this, I have never felt it honest to bend or omit truths in order for personal or professional gain. Immoral? I thought so. What I am coming to see, however, is that sometimes - in that gray, gray area - the ends may in fact justify the means.
Job applications are the prime example, which will lead into my current predicament. Applying for a job and interviewing well are art forms. One needs to write in a particular way, have well-considered responses to questions that could be asked for a burger-flipper and corporate executive alike (e.g. How will your personal qualities enhance our company? Tell me about a time you worked well as a part of a team. What is one of your weaknesses?) The reality is that these things can be bluffed. One can have all of the answers, tick all the boxes, write and talk their way through to gainful employment, but be a complete failure. Conversely, one may be actually choose honesty and integrity only to be rejected.
The reason any of this is relevant brings me back to a conversation with my mentor teacher yesterday. We were discussing the failure of CDU (in general) regarding their placement of Education students into professional experience schools. Now, the process of placing students is as follows:
I was confused as to why, when I specified my desire to work in remote and Indigenous education, was I placed in a school with a student cohort of very few Indigenous students, especially considering that placement of others at schools on my preference list who don't want to work with Indigenous students at all.
My mentor teacher clarified it for me. She said something along the lines of, 'It was probably because you expressed a desire to work with Indigenous students. They probably thought that you're either a Missionary or don't actually want to work because there have been a lot of students in the past who fall into those categories - they just ran away from their lives and thought they could cut it as remote teachers.'
WHAT?
SORRY, WHAT?
I may as well have stayed in Melbourne to do this course, then. Don't get me wrong, I completely understand that previous experience informs present practice, but I was quite infuriated, mostly because if you actually just spoke to me, you would very quickly realise that I do want to do this. I have not run away to escape from being a failure in Melbourne. I do not have a poor work ethic. I am not a Missionary.
(As an aside, I also understand that if this is the perception that people want to have of me, based on some poxy online introduction, then they are not worth my time beyond this blog post. Still, CDU should seriously reconsider its approach to professional experience placements.)
This system is botched. So botched. But after being momentarily disheartened, some self-reflection led me to a conclusion: play the game. I will do everything in my power to gain the experience I came here for; I will work for what I believe in, but I will keep the fire burning inside, seeking to understand exactly what they want to hear and crafting my approach accordingly. Because the reality is that Indigenous education in Australia is one of those things (among others) that is having money thrown at it. The money is to entice teachers and to better resource school and generally make it look like the government is doing something about inequity. But how can inequity truly be addressed when the approach is messed up? How can I effectively negotiate Indigenous education in Australia without sufficient education and mentoring?
I would say that the ideal solution is an overhaul of the system and investing in those who truly care about and believe in the possibility of change.
In reality, I don't think anyone cares about this - it is just an ideal. I think quick solutions and false ideas of being time-poor prevent meaningful investment for the future.
So, as I see it, there is only one solution: infiltrate.
***
My thanks and appreciation go out to Alberto and the MID students of 2010-2011, on whose beliefs and insights I constantly reflect and who had a profound impact on my understanding of the world and my place in it.
***
This whole situation first came to my attention during a class of my Master of International Development, early in 2010. A small class of less than 15 students, once wide-eyed, had all of their good intentions and ideas problematised and left them all wondering how on Earth they would be able to achieve all of their hopes and dreams, making this world a better place. So one student asked, 'HOW?' to which Professor Alberto Gomes simply smiled and replied, 'Infiltrate.' At the time, this lightened the mood, but was a lingering theme among the class and was a provocative thought when considering how to make change happen.
So, to work outside or within The System, that is the question. I always felt as though working within The System would be the manifestation of me selling out, which was quite evident when I was lined up for the corporate Graduate Program, realising late in the recruitment process that the corporate world may actually be the death of me. Somehow, with a bit of experience in the industry and a positive attitude (perhaps not so much integry?), I managed to convince quite a few people that I actually wanted to build a career in the corporate world of insurance. Yeeeee....no.
But through my parents' guidance and education, integrity and empathy have been placed at the forefront of my life. With this, I have never felt it honest to bend or omit truths in order for personal or professional gain. Immoral? I thought so. What I am coming to see, however, is that sometimes - in that gray, gray area - the ends may in fact justify the means.
Job applications are the prime example, which will lead into my current predicament. Applying for a job and interviewing well are art forms. One needs to write in a particular way, have well-considered responses to questions that could be asked for a burger-flipper and corporate executive alike (e.g. How will your personal qualities enhance our company? Tell me about a time you worked well as a part of a team. What is one of your weaknesses?) The reality is that these things can be bluffed. One can have all of the answers, tick all the boxes, write and talk their way through to gainful employment, but be a complete failure. Conversely, one may be actually choose honesty and integrity only to be rejected.
The reason any of this is relevant brings me back to a conversation with my mentor teacher yesterday. We were discussing the failure of CDU (in general) regarding their placement of Education students into professional experience schools. Now, the process of placing students is as follows:
- Student fills in 'My Nomination' - includes a short introduction about ourself as well as a list of 3 preferences for school placement.
- CDU matches our nomination with one of our placement preferences
- School reads profile and accepts/rejects CDU student
- CDU continues to search for placement
I was confused as to why, when I specified my desire to work in remote and Indigenous education, was I placed in a school with a student cohort of very few Indigenous students, especially considering that placement of others at schools on my preference list who don't want to work with Indigenous students at all.
My mentor teacher clarified it for me. She said something along the lines of, 'It was probably because you expressed a desire to work with Indigenous students. They probably thought that you're either a Missionary or don't actually want to work because there have been a lot of students in the past who fall into those categories - they just ran away from their lives and thought they could cut it as remote teachers.'
WHAT?
SORRY, WHAT?
I may as well have stayed in Melbourne to do this course, then. Don't get me wrong, I completely understand that previous experience informs present practice, but I was quite infuriated, mostly because if you actually just spoke to me, you would very quickly realise that I do want to do this. I have not run away to escape from being a failure in Melbourne. I do not have a poor work ethic. I am not a Missionary.
(As an aside, I also understand that if this is the perception that people want to have of me, based on some poxy online introduction, then they are not worth my time beyond this blog post. Still, CDU should seriously reconsider its approach to professional experience placements.)
This system is botched. So botched. But after being momentarily disheartened, some self-reflection led me to a conclusion: play the game. I will do everything in my power to gain the experience I came here for; I will work for what I believe in, but I will keep the fire burning inside, seeking to understand exactly what they want to hear and crafting my approach accordingly. Because the reality is that Indigenous education in Australia is one of those things (among others) that is having money thrown at it. The money is to entice teachers and to better resource school and generally make it look like the government is doing something about inequity. But how can inequity truly be addressed when the approach is messed up? How can I effectively negotiate Indigenous education in Australia without sufficient education and mentoring?
I would say that the ideal solution is an overhaul of the system and investing in those who truly care about and believe in the possibility of change.
In reality, I don't think anyone cares about this - it is just an ideal. I think quick solutions and false ideas of being time-poor prevent meaningful investment for the future.
So, as I see it, there is only one solution: infiltrate.
***
My thanks and appreciation go out to Alberto and the MID students of 2010-2011, on whose beliefs and insights I constantly reflect and who had a profound impact on my understanding of the world and my place in it.
***
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Africa United
I'm taken back to a conversation with my good friend Nicola when we were travelling in 2008-2009. We had a conversation about the ability (or inability) to capture the emotion of a moment in a photograph and decided that it would be best if we could take an 'emotional snapshot' of the moment and store it in our memory. It could be recalled at any time and our bodies would be flooded with the emotion, just like it was happening all over again.
So, last night at my first visit to the Deckchair Cinema, I contemplated taking a photograph but realised that it would in no way sum up the feeling of the night. As the film progressed, what could only be described as an emotional rollercoaster ensued.
The magic of the evening was in the clear skies; looking just up from the screen to see the moon and stars. It was in the climate; the coming of the dry season had blessed us with the most comfortable temperature, few mosquitos (maybe this was because of all of the RID that was sprayed?) and low humidity. It was in the ambience; the lanterns, deckchairs, community spirit and sense of relaxation. Finally, it was in the company; I am so fortunate to have met such friendly, kind-hearted, gentle spirits and peaceful souls since arriving in Darwin and they never cease to make an occasion special.
We were there to watch Africa United. Short of writing a film review, I would liek to say that this film is one of the best made that I have seen in a long time. Although there are aspects which it surely simplified, it was the films ability to negotiate some unfortunate realities with humour and warmth that made it so special.
The essence of the film is that three friends, one of whom has been asked to trial for Africa United and appear at the World Cup in south Africa, accidently find themselves having to make their way to South Africa by any means possible as they missed the trial. Along the way, the find themselves in a refugee camp where they escape with a former child soldier as well as a girl who ran away from her home in protest of an arranged marriage (only to find herself working where she constantly faces exploitation and harrassment).
The highlights of the film were the relentless optimism of the main character, Dudu, and his consideration of the 'team' before himself. Well-scripted and acted, Dudu kept the audience amused. The magic of the film, however, was its ability to transition from moments of hilarity to dealing with some serious realities, certainly leaving me bawling on a couple of occasions. Issues such as child soldiering, the prevalence of HIV/AIDS as well as other diseases, poverty, corruption, discrimination, exploitation and death.
As I said, some of these issues were certainly simplified (or rather, placed in a simplified context) but the tremendous acting abilities invoked emotions that I believe could do a lot for developing a bit of empathy in this world. The look in the eyes of a child who has seen things that noone should ever witness; the reality of living with HIV/AIDS; the lack of, and desire for, education; and life in a refugee camp. What hit me hardest was knowing that, while I looked at the stars, drinking a beer, eating a yummy plate of mattar paneer and watching a film with my friends, there are children worlwide whose reality is merely touched upon in the film. Women and children don't enjoy the same rights as men and boys. Children are being abducted from camps to fight for rebel forces as child soldiers. Too many are dying of HIV/AID related illnesses. Health care just doesn't reach far enough. Education isn't a reality for all. Governments and corruption prevent the realisation of the hopes and dreams of local communities, international and nongovernment organisations.
Being reminded of the reality of millions worldwide was another slap in the face I think I needed. Sure, I hope that one day there's not people starving to death and that condoms are not considered taboo. I hope that noone loses sleep because they are in fear of their life. I hope that everyone has the right to choose their direction in life. I hope that their dreams can be realised by free education, that good health is promoted and sustained and that governments and individuals act in ways that promote the good and betterment of the group rather than the individual.
In the meantime, I think we need to band together. We need to realise our common humanness and live for each other.
So, last night at my first visit to the Deckchair Cinema, I contemplated taking a photograph but realised that it would in no way sum up the feeling of the night. As the film progressed, what could only be described as an emotional rollercoaster ensued.
The magic of the evening was in the clear skies; looking just up from the screen to see the moon and stars. It was in the climate; the coming of the dry season had blessed us with the most comfortable temperature, few mosquitos (maybe this was because of all of the RID that was sprayed?) and low humidity. It was in the ambience; the lanterns, deckchairs, community spirit and sense of relaxation. Finally, it was in the company; I am so fortunate to have met such friendly, kind-hearted, gentle spirits and peaceful souls since arriving in Darwin and they never cease to make an occasion special.
We were there to watch Africa United. Short of writing a film review, I would liek to say that this film is one of the best made that I have seen in a long time. Although there are aspects which it surely simplified, it was the films ability to negotiate some unfortunate realities with humour and warmth that made it so special.
The essence of the film is that three friends, one of whom has been asked to trial for Africa United and appear at the World Cup in south Africa, accidently find themselves having to make their way to South Africa by any means possible as they missed the trial. Along the way, the find themselves in a refugee camp where they escape with a former child soldier as well as a girl who ran away from her home in protest of an arranged marriage (only to find herself working where she constantly faces exploitation and harrassment).
The highlights of the film were the relentless optimism of the main character, Dudu, and his consideration of the 'team' before himself. Well-scripted and acted, Dudu kept the audience amused. The magic of the film, however, was its ability to transition from moments of hilarity to dealing with some serious realities, certainly leaving me bawling on a couple of occasions. Issues such as child soldiering, the prevalence of HIV/AIDS as well as other diseases, poverty, corruption, discrimination, exploitation and death.
As I said, some of these issues were certainly simplified (or rather, placed in a simplified context) but the tremendous acting abilities invoked emotions that I believe could do a lot for developing a bit of empathy in this world. The look in the eyes of a child who has seen things that noone should ever witness; the reality of living with HIV/AIDS; the lack of, and desire for, education; and life in a refugee camp. What hit me hardest was knowing that, while I looked at the stars, drinking a beer, eating a yummy plate of mattar paneer and watching a film with my friends, there are children worlwide whose reality is merely touched upon in the film. Women and children don't enjoy the same rights as men and boys. Children are being abducted from camps to fight for rebel forces as child soldiers. Too many are dying of HIV/AID related illnesses. Health care just doesn't reach far enough. Education isn't a reality for all. Governments and corruption prevent the realisation of the hopes and dreams of local communities, international and nongovernment organisations.
Being reminded of the reality of millions worldwide was another slap in the face I think I needed. Sure, I hope that one day there's not people starving to death and that condoms are not considered taboo. I hope that noone loses sleep because they are in fear of their life. I hope that everyone has the right to choose their direction in life. I hope that their dreams can be realised by free education, that good health is promoted and sustained and that governments and individuals act in ways that promote the good and betterment of the group rather than the individual.
In the meantime, I think we need to band together. We need to realise our common humanness and live for each other.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Ignorance is not Bliss
Two months and two days ago, I moved to Darwin. Each day has been a learning experience, but I have come to realise the vastly different mentality of Territorians than their neighbours down South. A couple of experiences have opened my eyes to what it's like to live up here and, in all honesty, I don't like it.
I have not been watching the news on television, in part because I don't have a TV in my room and in part because it is likely to involve men planking on their cars when they're trapped in a flooded river, rather than stories of consequence.
About a week ago, I was chatting with a like-minded peer wo also lives in my building (note: from the Peninsula - not local) and she related an experience of her own from last year when she was putting up posters in support of the live export ban. She was essentially abused (on campus) by a guy who disagreed with her. The poor thing was brought to tears - he was that abusive.
So, aside from the odd idiot or two, I had kept my eyes relatively closed to what was going on. I figured that if I kept my blinkers on, I wouldn't be disappointed to much.
Then, last night, the following status was posted by the NT News: '
I have not been watching the news on television, in part because I don't have a TV in my room and in part because it is likely to involve men planking on their cars when they're trapped in a flooded river, rather than stories of consequence.
About a week ago, I was chatting with a like-minded peer wo also lives in my building (note: from the Peninsula - not local) and she related an experience of her own from last year when she was putting up posters in support of the live export ban. She was essentially abused (on campus) by a guy who disagreed with her. The poor thing was brought to tears - he was that abusive.
So, aside from the odd idiot or two, I had kept my eyes relatively closed to what was going on. I figured that if I kept my blinkers on, I wouldn't be disappointed to much.
Then, last night, the following status was posted by the NT News: '
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Reality Check
Sometimes, things just hit you hard. Today, life hit me hard.
After a long-awaited confirmation of a professional experience placement, I finally spent the day trying to put effort into my appearance before going to meet my mentor teacher. Having spoken to her on the phone and shared some text messages, I wasn't so nervous about meeting her as I was about going into her classroom. I had no idea what to expect.
My placement is a well-funded school with about 40% defence families ("a lot of mothers who come in here to gas-bag because they're alone and don't have anything else to do at 8am"...or words to that effect). My mentor's class is Transition (Preppies!) and there are 20 students. Three were identified as having trouble with academics while about five excel - there is one girl who is already reading chapter books. According to Mrs. B - my mentor - there are no real "behavioural issues...they're just a bunch of chatter-boxes!". Mrs. B clearly loves what she does and I'm so grateful she has taken me on as a preservice teacher. I'll be the 7th in the school this term and there's likely to be one or two more.
Mrs. B's classroom is well-ordered and comfortable. I felt safe in there; there was lots of open space, cushions next to the reading area and everything was nicely packed away.
We spoke about the requirements and we seemed to be on the same page about a lot of things. We discussed the importance of being in the right headspace to take on a load as a Graduate Diploma student, as well as "attention-grabbing" strategies. "I'm quite the talker and have a naturally loud voice so I do the 'heads, shoulders, tummies' approach, but you seem to have a quieter voice so perhaps something like hand-clapping would be better. You find what works for you; we all do this differently." I'm quite sure my parents would have something to say about the volume of my voice, but it was reassuring to see that she was realistic about the different approaches teachers take in the classroom. She also mentioned that she had never failed one of her students...so I'll have another reason to try super dooper hard!
Prior to her current job, Mrs. B worked remote for 5 years and it was these stories that hit me hard. They hit me hard because I want to teach remote. All that airy-fairy "save the world" stuff.
I had read about a 13-year-old girl hanging herself up in Arnhem Land just before I came away. Apparently this is not uncommon (although you'd rarely read about it down South) and Mrs. B had some recollections and insights that have really got me thinking about my direction. My sincere apologies for not being able to remember where she taught...but it was 800 kms out from Katherine. Middle. Of. Nowhere.
Mrs. B moved out there with her partner after she finished her four-year Bachelor of Education. She said she applied for jobs everywhere and just took the first one that came along. "Young and naive and probably a bit stupid about things" was how she described herself. Ready to leave after 3 years, her partner, who works the land, wanted to stay and so they stayed.
Then it was nearly 5 years out there. She had already been stabbed and pushed through a window. Some of those she first taught in the upper Primary years were now teenagers. There was one girl - a student - who had sworn she would never have kids, "...and there she was, pushing a pram along, with some guy who was just beating her with a stick in broad daylight."
Then, as a Transition teacher, one of her 5-year-old students hung himself.
WHAT? WHAT ON EARTH SHOULD EVER COMPEL A 5-YEAR-OLD TO HANG HIMSELF?
So all of this made her feel as though all of her work had gone to waste; that things weren't going to change.
"Out there, you become a little more racist because you see these things happen. And you see the money. Even the school there was much better funded than this one...anything we wanted, we got. But they're in this situation, sometimes by choice." She continued by outlining the "phases" you go through if you stay remote in the long-term:
I can't deny that Mrs. B's reality would have been easy to face. Gosh no. I was nearly crying at the thought of it (note to self: need to deal with emotional self-regulation). But this has got me thinking about the importance of celebrating small achievements (whose lives did she change for the better?) and the bigger picutre (where does education fir in?) This shouldn't be money thrown at people, even in the form of education. Education is not the panacea to these issues, but I still can't quite figure where it fits in.
I keep thinking of the importance of community engagement, consultation and collaboration, ut I'm surely not the first to have thought about this.
Yes, I think it's time to get creative, but what form this could take is anyone's guess.
I guess we are where we are and these sitautions continue to proliferate because there's no easy way out.
We're all in a big rut.
But I'm hopeful.
I still believe in the possibilities - I'm just not as naive.
After a long-awaited confirmation of a professional experience placement, I finally spent the day trying to put effort into my appearance before going to meet my mentor teacher. Having spoken to her on the phone and shared some text messages, I wasn't so nervous about meeting her as I was about going into her classroom. I had no idea what to expect.
My placement is a well-funded school with about 40% defence families ("a lot of mothers who come in here to gas-bag because they're alone and don't have anything else to do at 8am"...or words to that effect). My mentor's class is Transition (Preppies!) and there are 20 students. Three were identified as having trouble with academics while about five excel - there is one girl who is already reading chapter books. According to Mrs. B - my mentor - there are no real "behavioural issues...they're just a bunch of chatter-boxes!". Mrs. B clearly loves what she does and I'm so grateful she has taken me on as a preservice teacher. I'll be the 7th in the school this term and there's likely to be one or two more.
Mrs. B's classroom is well-ordered and comfortable. I felt safe in there; there was lots of open space, cushions next to the reading area and everything was nicely packed away.
We spoke about the requirements and we seemed to be on the same page about a lot of things. We discussed the importance of being in the right headspace to take on a load as a Graduate Diploma student, as well as "attention-grabbing" strategies. "I'm quite the talker and have a naturally loud voice so I do the 'heads, shoulders, tummies' approach, but you seem to have a quieter voice so perhaps something like hand-clapping would be better. You find what works for you; we all do this differently." I'm quite sure my parents would have something to say about the volume of my voice, but it was reassuring to see that she was realistic about the different approaches teachers take in the classroom. She also mentioned that she had never failed one of her students...so I'll have another reason to try super dooper hard!
Prior to her current job, Mrs. B worked remote for 5 years and it was these stories that hit me hard. They hit me hard because I want to teach remote. All that airy-fairy "save the world" stuff.
I had read about a 13-year-old girl hanging herself up in Arnhem Land just before I came away. Apparently this is not uncommon (although you'd rarely read about it down South) and Mrs. B had some recollections and insights that have really got me thinking about my direction. My sincere apologies for not being able to remember where she taught...but it was 800 kms out from Katherine. Middle. Of. Nowhere.
Mrs. B moved out there with her partner after she finished her four-year Bachelor of Education. She said she applied for jobs everywhere and just took the first one that came along. "Young and naive and probably a bit stupid about things" was how she described herself. Ready to leave after 3 years, her partner, who works the land, wanted to stay and so they stayed.
Then it was nearly 5 years out there. She had already been stabbed and pushed through a window. Some of those she first taught in the upper Primary years were now teenagers. There was one girl - a student - who had sworn she would never have kids, "...and there she was, pushing a pram along, with some guy who was just beating her with a stick in broad daylight."
Then, as a Transition teacher, one of her 5-year-old students hung himself.
WHAT? WHAT ON EARTH SHOULD EVER COMPEL A 5-YEAR-OLD TO HANG HIMSELF?
So all of this made her feel as though all of her work had gone to waste; that things weren't going to change.
"Out there, you become a little more racist because you see these things happen. And you see the money. Even the school there was much better funded than this one...anything we wanted, we got. But they're in this situation, sometimes by choice." She continued by outlining the "phases" you go through if you stay remote in the long-term:
- Shock - WHAT AM I DOING HERE? I'VE MADE A MISTAKE!!
- Anger/Commitment - True desire and drive to make change
- Denial - Pretending that all those things aren't really happening
- Reality - You can only do so much...and what change is it really making?
I can't deny that Mrs. B's reality would have been easy to face. Gosh no. I was nearly crying at the thought of it (note to self: need to deal with emotional self-regulation). But this has got me thinking about the importance of celebrating small achievements (whose lives did she change for the better?) and the bigger picutre (where does education fir in?) This shouldn't be money thrown at people, even in the form of education. Education is not the panacea to these issues, but I still can't quite figure where it fits in.
I keep thinking of the importance of community engagement, consultation and collaboration, ut I'm surely not the first to have thought about this.
Yes, I think it's time to get creative, but what form this could take is anyone's guess.
I guess we are where we are and these sitautions continue to proliferate because there's no easy way out.
We're all in a big rut.
But I'm hopeful.
I still believe in the possibilities - I'm just not as naive.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Teaching Aspiration #2
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| Goose Lagoon at Territory Wildlife Park, March 10, 2012 |
I'm not going to lie, I've been struggling with this course already. Give me an essay to write and I'll jump into the research and then smash out an essay. I would enjoy it and would be proud of my final piece. I enjoy the process of researching, planning and writing. It's somewhat easier for me when it all sits in academia, but when things start getting practical - as this course has/is - I begin to stumble.
Self-doubt has reared its head. Don't get me wrong; I know what I am capable of achieving and am able to work within my limits. But I'm a new girl in a new town and am surrounded by a million people (or, more realistically, 120,000) who have vastly different perspectives and outlooks than myself. For some reason I was able to put this in the back of my mind in Melbourne, perhaps because it is so much larger. I was able to selectively hang out with like-minded people and be constantly inspired. So recently coming from a close-knit group of passionate people who want to affect positive changes in this world kept my eyes open to all that was possible.
That hasn't quite been the experience I've had so far in Darwin. The impetus for my moving to Darwin was to become an agent of change. To be that change that I want to see in the world. I still recall the non-violence workshop I attended at La Trobe University where we had to identify ourselves by our positions in society. I remember watching those people who identified as 'change agents' and thinking that I wanted to be right there. So this is it.
What I've found confronting is that I see positive social change at the heart of education, but I haven't heard too many pre-service teachers express it quite that way. I've been in a rut because when I feel passionate and inspired to be an awesome teacher, I also feel uneasy about expressing it for fear of rolled-eyes, being called naive, or receiving a lecture about how 'it's difficult/confronting' teaching in community. I know it is and I know I'll have no idea until I get out there, but I certainly didn't invest all of this time and energy thinking it was easy. At all.
Unfortunately, my first assignment is thought-provoking but dead boring. Having said that, my research brought me across this article by Elizabeth Jackson-Barrett which doesn't scrape the surface of literature on this topic, but nonetheless provided a great insight into reconceptualising education and teaching in order to achieve the best outcomes for Indigenous students. She states:
...teachers must act as ‘agents of change’ in order to foster a change of attitude by the wider Australian community towards Aboriginal Australians and enable all Indigenous students who walk into the space where power and knowledge come together to be successful and empowered at the ‘cultural interface’ (Nakata, 2007) — the classroom. (2011, p. 28)As a teacher, this is who I want to be. It is what I aspire to be.
After posting something similar on my Facebook page, a friend then posted the clip by Taylor Mali, What Teachers Make, which I had never seen before. It made my day, without a doubt.
After a week of feeling knocked to the ground about who I am as a person, it turned out OK. Maybe that was a slight exaggeration, but small incidents sometimes have huge impacts. On occasion, I felt as though my motivations weren't necessarily valid in the eyes of others and my self-confidence was waning.
Not anymore.
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